Crumble and Fall

My Mom's severe social anxiety and fears are really starting to bother me. I can't be the person she leans on anymore. I am not strong enough for it nor do I want the job. I just want her to get over it. She is helpless and lacks confidence in everything and i just don't understand it.

This weekend was my Grandma's birthday. She is 93 so they had a little get together at her house on Sunday to celebrate. I had intended to go and was excited about it. I was at my boyfriend's house and was having a good time. I called my Mom from his house to confirm plans. I had still intended to go at that time. Well, after that initial phone call I got upset about something unrelated to this. But I was pretty upset and didn't feel like going to a party and pretending to be happy.

So my plans changed. I decided to stay at my boyfriend's. I cried for another hour or so. And during that hour, my Mom called like 3 or 4 times. Why? Because she refused to go over to Grandma's by herself. She relies on me to come home and take her over there. This is her family. She should feel comfortable going to her family's home for a party. For all she knew I was already over there and had been for hours.

I just can't have someone rely on my for something when I myself are still emotional about things. I just can't be strong for her like that. I don't want to, first of all. I refuse to enable her to be like that. I won't enable someone to remain helpless and fearful of normal life experiences. And second, I am not strong enough myself to hold someone else up. I am about to fall apart and if she leans on me anymore I will crumble.

i just can't do it. And I don't know how to tell her that i don't want to hold her up anymore. I never did. I don't know how to explain to her how I am feeling without her getting mad about it. So I am left not knowing how to handle the situation so I just let it bottle up and build and then I have days like Sunday when it all comes out. I know that I have more to be emotional about lately so my bottle is filling up faster but I just want to be free of at least this one problem.

I don't know. I am lost.