Break Out

My Mom always points out every imperfection that she notices. And she always notices.

Today I have a rash on my face. An allergic reaction to face cream that I used. Knowing that my Mom would make a comment I put cover up and foundation on to attempt to cover it up just so that she wouldn't point it out. Yup, I am wearing makeup even though I am only sitting around my house in my pajamas cause I am not feeling well. How sad is that..

Well, she noticed and had to point it out. "How come your face is all broke out?" "What caused that?" and "Your face is red." I don't know if she intends to do it or not, but she makes me feel bad about myself. Why does she have to point out the faults, the lines, the imperfections? Every time. She makes me feel super self conscious about myself when she does that.

I wish she would stop, but she has been doing this my whole life. It is probably why I have had to work hard to gain self confidence (which I have had to do on my own because she didn't help). It could also be why I am constantly worried about what others are thinking about me (something I am still trying to get over).

I wish she was strong enough that I could have a sit down talk with her about it, but she's not. I am strong enough that i have learned to deal with it and I think I can handle that. I think

Crumble and Fall

My Mom's severe social anxiety and fears are really starting to bother me. I can't be the person she leans on anymore. I am not strong enough for it nor do I want the job. I just want her to get over it. She is helpless and lacks confidence in everything and i just don't understand it.

This weekend was my Grandma's birthday. She is 93 so they had a little get together at her house on Sunday to celebrate. I had intended to go and was excited about it. I was at my boyfriend's house and was having a good time. I called my Mom from his house to confirm plans. I had still intended to go at that time. Well, after that initial phone call I got upset about something unrelated to this. But I was pretty upset and didn't feel like going to a party and pretending to be happy.

So my plans changed. I decided to stay at my boyfriend's. I cried for another hour or so. And during that hour, my Mom called like 3 or 4 times. Why? Because she refused to go over to Grandma's by herself. She relies on me to come home and take her over there. This is her family. She should feel comfortable going to her family's home for a party. For all she knew I was already over there and had been for hours.

I just can't have someone rely on my for something when I myself are still emotional about things. I just can't be strong for her like that. I don't want to, first of all. I refuse to enable her to be like that. I won't enable someone to remain helpless and fearful of normal life experiences. And second, I am not strong enough myself to hold someone else up. I am about to fall apart and if she leans on me anymore I will crumble.

i just can't do it. And I don't know how to tell her that i don't want to hold her up anymore. I never did. I don't know how to explain to her how I am feeling without her getting mad about it. So I am left not knowing how to handle the situation so I just let it bottle up and build and then I have days like Sunday when it all comes out. I know that I have more to be emotional about lately so my bottle is filling up faster but I just want to be free of at least this one problem.

I don't know. I am lost.

Fear of Snow

So, my Mom called out sick from work today (and for like the fifth time this year) because it was snowing outside. Now, I did drive to work today and the roads were totally fine and I had no trouble whatsoever.

My Mom is afraid to drive in the snow. And then she gets mad at me because I do want to drive to work. It is frustrating. Last week we had a pretty big storm. When I woke up there was about 5 inches on the ground. I still wanted to go to work. From the second that I woke up, she was talking about how bad it was out there and how I shouldn't go to work and I might get in an accident and that I should stay home. I wasn't nervous when I woke up, but she was making me nervous (and was annoying the crap out of me in the process). In the end, I drove to work with little problems and I was proud that I did.

I just don't understand how anyone can let fear lead their lives. The roads were totally clear today, but the fact that she won't even try to drive to work really bothers me. I find myself getting snippy with her about it and I vow to NEVER let a fear stop me from doing anything cause I don't want to become her.

Your parents are supposed to be your role models but I just can't look up to my Mom when she is like that. It bothers me.

Crutch

So, last night my family was planning to go out to dinner so that my new boyfriend could meet them. I made the plans with my brother, which apparently weren't good enough for my Mom.

We wanted to meet at 6. But that was too late for my Mom. She complained about how late that was and how there would be a long wait and for whatever reason she was concerned about getting home later than 7. (They were seated right away and there was no wait)

Then she was complaining because I wasn't going to be able to drive her to the restaurant because I was meeting at my boyfriend's and driving from there. She flipped. She is afraid to drive on the highway and kept saying something about not finding a parking spot. She's crazy. I told her that she would need to get over this fear since we won't always be there to drive her around and she was SO mad that I even suggested that. (Oh and by the way, my brother drove her and they found a spot up front, so no need to worry.)

When they (Mom, my brother and his girlfriend) got to the restaurant they were seated right away and they were waiting for us. They called once to tell us they were waiting and I lied and said that we were almost there when really we were still at his house. Another phone call came while we were in transit and it was an angry phone call. She was so mad and snippy. Real nice first impressions.

Once we got to the restaurant, I was really nervous (and upset). The dinner went fine but I'm still annoyed at how she acted.

People need to stop enabling her to be this way. So long as everyone drives her around, she will continue to be scared to drive on the highway. Mom needs to grow up. I don't understand how anyone could get through life with so many fears. My Dad always allowed her to be like that and now that he isn't here, I guess she expects everyone else to do it for her. I refuse to enable her.
Maybe I am a horrible person, maybe I am just mean but I refuse to be her crutch anymore.